Sitting in my car wanting to sing something but too happy to open my throat!!! I realized my body is physicality incapable of feeling any happier than it is now.
I had just finished a meeting in which the couple said they want to partner with me. They promised a substantial amount and lots of prayer!! They also showed interest in visiting me in Russia. This was such a wonderful meeting but I was sitting there struggling with my emotions. You see, I had just had some of the best 5 days in a long time and I was still glowing from the joy of those days. When this couple gave me this wonderful gift of partnership I found myself trying so hard to be grateful and show how happy I was… but I couldn’t get more happy or grateful! I was already filled to overflowing with joy that I had reached my peak.
As I drove away I realized, this moment could not possibly be better. Even if a Tall Dark and Handsome man swept me off my feet today I would not physically be able to be more happy… I think I would just have to explode! A feeling of contentment and gratitude for all I have the blessing to experience washed over me.
I am still floating a bit. And this morning I had a little coffee (Jeff, it’s all your fault). Ladies and Gentlemen, when a girl of my stature and level of happiness decides she is going to have some chocolate sauce with a little coffee mixed in… look out world. I think I’m still levitating from this mornings beverage of choice…
As I was doubled over panting between songs last night I looked around at all the women talking with each other. A crowd of people intimidates me, I like to keep to myself and just watch others visit. I have thought about this personality trait often and wondered if I need to change. Did God make me like this and want me to remain this way because He can use me in a different way than anyone else. Or would it bring the most glory to God if I become more friendly. Well, thinking about it just made me nervous but then the next song started so I could only think about one thing, “Just keep breathing!!”
At the next break I thought of people I admire and how they are not to timid to say a kind word or extend a greeting. I decided I need to just try. So I turned and said something about how hard the one move was in that last song to no one in particular… hoping someone would think I was talking to them and respond. And it worked 🙂 A lady near me agreed and we talked about it for a few seconds. Then at the end of the night she made sure she said good night to me. I do want this little struggle to be defeated and to be a more friendly person.
As I was driving home I confessed that I can’t be friendly and I don’t want to try because it will be so artificial and shallow. I told God that if He wanted me to change He must do all the deep heart breaking and rebuilding that needs to happen. I am willing to be molded because I want to carry the aroma of Christ wherever I am. I don’t want to be the most friendly person or the person with the biggest smile. I just want to be Christ.
“But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of him in every place. For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; to the one an aroma from death to death, to the other an aroma from life to life. And who is adequate for these things? For we are not like many, peddling the word of god, but as from sincerity, but as from God, we speak in Christ in the sight of God.” 2 Corinthians 2:14-17
Spent the morning hurrying up and waiting at the U-Mass health insurance assistance office, the town clerk and the Social Security office. It seams like things are pretty much squared away now.
Up next, voice lessons, phone calls and Zumba!!! (love most of these things) I have decided that partnership development is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.